Love is all I need...

It sounds so cleche, but with how easy it is to become distracted by all the wants (becoming needs) in the world lately I have been looking at what things in my life I have truly found joy in, and that is the love that I have found in my relationships. As my twins birthday comes closer I reflect on that last year with complete joy and huge sense of gratitude. Oh how I love my children. As each day passes, I morn the time that goes by. Deciding to stay home this year has been the best decision I have ever made. I love getting up in the morning knowing that the day is my own and I can kiss my children all day long, and spend the whole day tickling, loving and cuddling without looking at my watch. Oh how I have longed for this opportunity. I can barely write this without tears coming to my eyes. I love the life I have been given. I love the husband I have. He is so wonderful, so talented and I love making dinner for him and taking care of him and watching him excel at his career. Being a working mother for the first part of my marriage, I see how working changes you. You learn to become hardened a little to your personal life. I think mostly because you realize what order your priorities should go in, but feel this constant pressure to perform. If you let to much of your emotion in, you start to have a meltdown because your heart draws you to what you really should be doing with your time. Any working mother that tells you that she loves to work and needs her career is only lying to herself. We just aren't built that way. I used to tell myself that all the time, but I always wanted to be home. When we take ourselves outside the divine role Heavenly Father has planned for us, we don't become the people he intended. I know that now. I have not become who I am suppose to, and I have robbed my husband of the same growth as he made adjustments for my choices. I have a lot of making up to do. I need my children to see the soft, sweet kindness and supportive role that a mother provides to a household. They need to see me support and love my husband and respect his role as the leader of our family. My husband has always supported whatever decision I have made to work or not work, it was me being guarded and worried that drug it out. The second I decided to quit, the Lord opened so many doors for me. The worry about money, the worry about feeling inadequate or not feeling smart...it has all subsided. I know that that leap of faith was all Heavenly Father needed for me to do and he provided the rest. When I first started to stay home, I really had such a huge adjustment. I felt like I no longer had an identity. Believe or not, being a mother is a thankless job. No real praise, no wage, you reap what you sow kind of thing, and really there is no reaping until you have one foot in the grave. There is no compass, no book, no special consultant to hire...you just hope that you have done enough right that it will outweigh how much your children witnessed that wasn't so cool. I feel so inadequate. At work when I got to the end of the job I could check it off the list and say...cool! I'm done!, and then off to the next cool thing. Now, I feel like nothing is ever done. The dishes..never done, the wash... never done, the bathroomes never done. The first few months at home I was crawling out of my skin to have something that was done. I think the point at which on wanted to ask the boys to pee outside after I cleaned all the bathrooms so I could call something "done" was when I realized I am nuts. I am a type A personality neat freak that is trapped in a house with seven children, two being twins. I am a lab rat, my Heavenly Father is wanting me to learn to chill out, and learn to enjoy the simple things and be ok with my new exclusive identity....MOM!

When I first started staying home a few months ago, I realized when people would ask me what I did, I would say..."Well, I just quit my job but I used to be a..." as if being a mother wasn't enough! I almost felt ashamed like it wasn't enough to be in charge of seven souls making it back to their Heavenly Father, teaching them to love others, serve, be honest, be faithful, love God, see the good in things, make goals, keep goals, become a spiritual giant, do more than what is required, forgive, that family is everything, that every soul is worth saving...and that is just what happens over breakfast! BE NOT ASHAMED OF ALL THE MIRACLES MOTHERS DO EACH AND EVERY DAY!

I now have one goal..it is the same goal I have always had, and always strived to do, but now it is my sole focus and doesn't have to be intermingled with a fulltime career..I want my kids to make it! If I can leave this earth knowing that I have raised good people with strong testimonies of Christ and His work that have integrity, that will have the courage to be honest when noones looking, to the right thing without seeking recognition, and to love everyone no matter what, then I will die a happy women, no matter what. I know that no piece of furniture, trip to Hawaii, or mingling with worldly priorities that have become so common place will ever replace the joy I can carry in my heart when focused on the Lord's errands. I'm a MOTHER (and my husband wife)! I love every minute of it and it is and will always be the highlight of my career...